Sunday, February 15, 2009

Is Skynet Hiring?

Some random unsolicited advice for villains, evil aliens, mad scientists, mutant monsters and the heroes who fight them.

The Terminator

Advice to Skynet:
Instead of sending back a slow-witted assassin robot with a 6502 for brains, t-mail a score of 10-megaton nukes spaced around the LA Basin. It's not like you're worried about altering history. Topless Robot has "10 Helpful Suggestions for Killing John Connor".

Advice for John Conner:
Watch "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" and learn how to use a time machine properly.

Independence Day 

Advice for Humans:
Once your computer virus has knocked out the force fields, don't screw around with F-18s and air-to-air missiles with wimpy warheads. A few hundred missiles with 50 pound warheads are not going to get the job done against city-destroyers that are 15 miles wide. Now is the time to pull out the low yield tactical nukes and finish the job before they finish rebooting whatever gawd-awful OS they are using. I think you should be way past worrying about collateral damage at this point.

Advice to Aliens:
You can download a free 90-day trial version of McAffee and conquer the Earth before it expires.

War Of the Worlds

Advice to Humans:
Hang out at Day Care Centers - it won't save you, but at least before a Martian eats or vaporizes you can sneeze on them with a full load.

Advice to Martians:
Eat your vegetables.

The Wizard of Oz

Advice to Wicked Witch of the West:
Replace that hour glass with an egg timer. And you really should care what the Flying monkeys do with the others.

Advice for Dorothy:
Don't go back to Kansas.


Ben said...

Hilarious list. Independence Day is War of the Worlds, so I guess the analog of mcafee is vegetables.

Dr. Zaius said...

Maybe robot Bill and Ted (from the sequel) can stop the slow-witted Arnold Schwarzenegger assassin robot from Skynet.

And Norton, Symentec and Macafee suck! (They are all the same company.) They should try AVG instead!

ThoughtCriminal said...

Dr. Z. I'm using AVG, but don't have the commercial license required to upload to the City Destroyer. Apparently, global conquest has to be non-profit.